


A Battle of Wits

by jlillymoon



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: 00Q - Freeform, Bets, Christmas Party, Family, M/M, Walmart Game, mormor, put together for a murder, three items
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-06 17:00:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11040423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jlillymoon/pseuds/jlillymoon
Summary: In a world where Q and Moriarty are family, they make a bet to see which one of their husbands is the better assassin and which one can use what they have on hand... or are handed... to kill, maim and generally cause terror.





	1. Spring

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> So this fic was the brain child of myself and my partner in crime, Littleredhotridinghood. It's a variation of the game that's floated around the internet for years. What three things can you buy at Walmart to make the cashier freak. But what three items can Sebastian and Bond use to be the most creative in their kills?

Chapter 1

 

Spring

 

Jim sat back in his oversized office chair and sipped his tea, watching his prized sniper across the desk. Sebastian ran his hand through his messy blonde hair and sighed. “You can’t be serious, boss.”

 

“Oh… but I am….” Jim said  quietly . His voice didn’t need to be loud to carry through any threats. Sebastian knew him well enough to know he was serious. Deadly so.

 

Sebastian pinched the bridge of his nose. “What kind of a sick and twisted game is this Jim?”

 

“I assure you, Sebby darling, this isn’t a game.”

 

“You aren’t kidding… are you?” Seb said. He shook his head with a sigh. “So… I have to kill the target and I have to use these…” he gestured to the three items on the desk between them, “things do it?”

 

Jim smiles and nods, sipping at his tea. “Yes, Sebastian.” His voice had a little bit of ice in it. Seb rolled his eyes.

 

“Fine.” he said, standing up and picking up each item in turn. He put them each in his pocket. He walked around the desk and bent down to kiss Jim on the lips. “Alright love. Please don’t forget to empty the dishwasher. And order take away. You need to eat and I’m not cooking.” He kissed him again. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Bastian.” Jim said with genuine smile. One that he only ever showed to his husband. “I’ll see you later. Be careful, alright?”

 

“Of course.” he said, stealing another kiss.

 

Seb walked to the door and opened it. Jim’s office looked out onto the bullpen of their suite of offices. Several of the other members of Jim’s  employ , were sitting around. They were drinking their tea and playing cards. Seb turned and looked at Jim. “Oh… and Jim? Switch out the laundry please. I’m not going to be ironing your pants because you couldn’t  be assed to fold them before they wrinkled.” he said with a smile.

 

A few members of the team snickered and a few others rolled their eyes. Seb didn’t even blink or flinch when the knife skimmed the side of his neck. It stuck with twang in the wall near the dart board. Seb’s hand reached up and wiped away the bit of blood that had come with the flick of the knife.

 

“Your aim is improving, love!” he called out with a chuckle.

 

Jim was sitting in his bed, the lights low, reading.  Sebastian had managed to get him to set aside time each night to do something Jim had long ago considered boring . But two years later, Jim was still spending time doing ordinary things. Like reading before turning in for the night. Sebastian came in through the front door. Stopping to grab a bottle of water out of the kitchen and sort out the post before he went into the bedroom. Seb flopped onto the end of the bed, exhausted. He  barely closed his eyes before Jim managed to stretch out his legs and kick him to the floor.

 

“Jesus Jim! What the hell?” Seb asked as he sat up and rubbed his elbow where it hit the floor.

 

“I  just changed the linens. You are disgusting. You are not coming to bed without a shower.” Jim said, licking his finger and turning the page of his book.

 

“ Really ? I’m exhausted. I managed to kill your target with the three items you gave me. It wasn’t easy. But it’s done.” Seb said as he stood up and stretched. He looked over at Jim and smiled. “Did you eat?”

 

“I ate, Sebastian.” Jim said with a little edge of annoyance in his voice. He put his book aside and looked at Seb, his eyes  just a little wide. “So… are you going to tell me how you did it?”

 

“Oh… you want to know?” Seb asked, as he began to undress. Jim rolled his eyes and Seb smiled, finally having the upper hand in their conversation. “Well… I could  just make you wait until you see the report, you know.”

 

Seb walked into the bathroom and turned on the taps. He finished stripping out of his clothes. He turned around to find that Jim was standing in the doorway and leaning against the door frame.

 

“Come on, Sebby… I  _ have _ to know how you did it!” Jim whinged. Seb rolled his eyes and climbed under the spray, letting the water flow over his well formed and scared body.

 

“Fine…” he said. He reached for the shampoo and began to wash the grime and grit out of his shaggy blonde mop. “So… You gave me a packet of tooth floss. So after I managed to lure the stupid fool into the car, and knocked him out, I tied him up with it. It was lovely. Didn’t break despite all his struggles. The mint flavour was rather refreshing to smell over the fact he shite himself. And it’s easy to carry. Might use it again.” Seb took a moment to stop talking and rinse out his hair. He grabbed the body wash he favoured and began to slick up his skin with the foamy bubbles. Jim watched as his best employee stood wet and soapy under the spray and swallowed.

 

“What about the other items?” he asked, his voice breaking a little. He cleared his throat and made sure his voice was a little more normal.

 

Seb looked at Jim and smirked, knowing how his  being naked and wet was affecting his boss. “So after I got him to the sight, I kept thinking about what else was in my pockets. And how the hell I was going to use them. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the melon ball thingy. That was fun to play with. It’s  just sharp enough to grab good chunks of flesh but yet dull enough to cause a bit of pain. It’s too bad he passed out when I started to use it on his eyes.” Seb said with a chuckle before rinsing off and turning off the taps. He shook off his head, spraying water around the shower before he grabbed for his towel and began to dry off.

 

Jim watched Sebastian, his mouth formed into a small o. Seb smirked again and licked his lips. He looked his boss up and down. Jim was wearing his own sleep pants, the blue plaid ones he favoured in the spring and one of Sebastian’s old tee shirts. But Jim’s interest was  apparent . The questions was this. Was it Sebastian himself that was turning Jim on or was it the description of the events of Sebastian’s evening? Not that it mattered all that much.

 

Jim shook himself back to the present moment and nodded. “And the last item?”

 

“Well that was the challenge. First of all, holding it and carrying it felt a little odd to begin with. But… it’s not like I’m a stranger to them. I do have a sister after all.”

 

“Yes… of course.” Jim said, following Sebastian into the bedroom. He watched the way Sebastian’s muscles flexed and rippled under his golden and marked skin.

 

“So… it took a while to decide how to use it. I mean… I could have done a thousand things with it.  Really . I used to carry a few in my field pack in the army. Great for stopping up bullet holes.” Seb’s gaze traveled away again. He wondered if it wasn’t worth carrying a few in his rucksack that he almost always had with him. He shook his head. “Anyway, in the end I was getting bored and tired. So I went for the obvious route.”

 

“You… wait… what did you do with it?” Jim asked, tilting his head to the side, his gaze focusing on Sebastian. He was still showing interest in the man he shared his bed and life with. But this was more a professional curiosity.

 

“I shoved the tampon down his throat and cut off his airway.” Seb said with a little shrug of his shoulders. He crawled under the clean sheets on the bed and turned to adjust the pillows before laying down.

 

“You… wait…” Jim said as he processed the idea of what Sebastian had done. The corners of his mouth turned up into a smile and he began to laugh. He was  nearly doubled over with mirth by the time Seb shook his head and patted the bed. “You suffocated him with a tampon.”

 

Seb rolled his eyes and waited for Jim to crawl into bed with him. He wrapped his strong arms around Jim and held him  tightly against him.

 

“I did. Now… did that live up to your expectations, boss?” Seb asked.

 

“Oh… more then you can imagine, Tiger.” Jim said with a purr in his voice. “And what have I said about calling me Boss in bed?”

 

“Only when you are on top.” Seb said with a bit of boredom in his voice. He smiled and planted his lips on Jim’s smiling.”I love you, Kitten.”

 

“I love you too. And you did  brilliantly . Better than… I knew you would be fantastic at it.”

 

“Oh?  Really ? I thought you said I was stupid and slow.” Seb offered.

 

“Come on Basitan. Would I have ever married anyone who was stupid and slow?”

 

“No. You would have married the first person who would given you head and the best tax benefits possible.” Seb teased.

 

Jim rolled his eyes. It was a private joke between them. HI e swatted at Seb’s chest before settling down to listen to his husband’s heart beat. “Go to sleep, moron.”


	2. Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seb's second list of items.

Chapter 2

 

Summer

 

It was hot in London. Hotter than Seb ever remembered it being in all his years of living there. It was like being back in the desert again. He was handling it fine. But then again… they had central cooling. Seb was sitting on the sofa, reading, bundled up in a hoodie and track pants. Jim looked  perfectly put together as he strolled into the living room, wearing his suit. Not a hair out of place.

 

“Jim… please. For the love of God… turn up the bloody temperature on the cooling. It’s freezing in here. I’m going to end up with frostbite in places that you won’t like.”

 

“Oh… is my poor Tiger cold?” Jim asked with a smirk as he straddled Seb’s lap. He creeped his ice cold hands up and under Seb’s hoodie and splayed his hands on his chest. They might as well have  been made of ice for the way that they made Seb’s chest feel.

 

To this day, Seb would deny that he made the noise. But there was no denying it. He yelped. Like a little girl. “Fuck! Jim!”

 

“Sebby…” Jim giggled. “Is there a problem?” That sing song lilt in his voice.

 

_ “Shit. This is bad.”  _ Seb thought to himself. Anytime Seb heard that quality… it only spelled his doom. “No… no problem love.” he said  carefully .

 

“Good.” Jim stood up and straightened out his suit, sitting down on his favourite chair. He pulled out two items from the drawer in the table next to him and a scrap of paper. He put the three things down on the coffee table and looked at Sebastian. “You have a new assignment.”

 

Seb looked at the two items and the scrap of paper. “Not again….”

 

“Problem Basher?” Jim asked once more. Seb shook his head. “I thought not.” Jim looked at his husband and gave him one of the largest grins he had. “Time’s ticking by Sebastian.  Maybe you should get started.”

 

Seb rolled his eyes as he gathered the two items up. He placed them in his pockets and took the scrap of paper and shook his head. “If I find out… this is  just a game to you, James…” Sebastian warned.

 

“Oh darling… your threats  are wasted on me…” Jim said with a bright smile.

 

“We’ll see.” Seb said as he got up and found his car keys. “I’ll be back late.” He took a moment to look at the scrap of paper again. “ Really ?”

 

Jim looked up at his husband and his voice changed. The real Jim came out…  just for a moment. “Be safe… please?”

 

Seb walked across the room and gave Jim a tender kiss. “Always.” he said with a soft smile before leaving to complete his newest assignment.

 

Seb hadn’t been in bed more than twenty minutes when Jim awoke and pounced on him, peppering his face with kisses. “Sebastian! Sebby! Wake up!” Jim insisted.

 

“Fuck off.” Seb said as he swatted at his husband. “Trying to sleep.” His voice  was muffled by the pillows he was trying to bury under.  Jim was rather forceful and insistent when he wanted to be.

 

“No! Sebaaassstttiiiaaannn….” Jim said with a child like whine in his voice. “I have to know how you did it!”

 

Seb waved his hand. “Email Jim… check your bloody email.”  Jim stilled for a moment and considered what Sebastian was saying. Oh. Something good was in his email! It was like… well… Christmas.

 

Jim planted one last kiss on Sebastian’s back, over the carved flesh between his shoulder blades. He bounded off the bed to grab his laptop. Sebastian never disappointed his husband.

 

When Sebastian finally woke hours later, He padded out to the kitchen in search of food. He  was astonished to see how long Jim had let him sleep. He grabbed a bottle of juice and a muffin from the counter before plopping himself down on the sofa next to Jim. Jim was still wearing his sleep clothes, his hair a mess and he was glassy eyed and grinning from ear to ear.

 

“I assume you liked the video I left you then.” he said as he leaned over to kiss his boss and criminal mastermind.

 

“I do…” Jim said as he gave him half a kiss, never tearing his face away from the screen.

 

“How many times have you watched it now?”

 

“Humm? Oh… twenty odd. It’s so… you  really are an artist Seb.” Jim said with a distracted voice.

 

“Artist?”

 

“Yes… haven’t I ever said that before?”

 

“Not when it came to work. In the bedroom… well…” Seb smirked and began to eat his breakfast.

 

“Oh… here’s my favorite part. When our… guest comes around and realizes what he’s done. That’s always my favorite bit.” Jim said with glee. He watched his right hand man work. Walking around the guest and reminding him of his crimes against the empire. “Did he beg Seb? Tell me he begged.”

 

“Mfm” Seb said, taking a moment to clear his mouth with a swig of juice before handing the bottle to Jim. Jim drank it down  thirstily and waited for Seb’s answer. “Not at first. Too cocky that one was. But once I started to  just chuck the playing cards at him… he laughed.”

 

“Never knew you could make them stick in someone’s chest like that.” Jim mused, watching as Seb unloaded all 52 cards into Jim’s target’s chest.

 

“Too much time on my hands in the service. Ended up spending hours alone… with nothing more than a deck of cards and learned a few tricks.” Okay. Seb wasn’t lying about the tricks. And some of those tricks might have included cheating, but he wasn’t going to admit that now.

 

“Hmmm…” Jim agreed. “But tell me… when you used the next item… what made you think of it? Using it like that?”

 

“Oh? You mean soaking the sponge in lemon juice?” Seb asked. Jim nodded and Seb shrugged in response. He watched his own image on the screen clean all the small wounds left on the victim's chest and arms. He was using a sponge filled and dripping with straight lemon juice. “Dinner. Three days ago. You asked me to make that Lemon Pepper fish. I had open cuts on my hands from where I missed punching that idiot and hit the wall. When I hit the bricks… my knuckles  were split open. And then… I squeezed the lemons. Presto. Eye watering pain.” Seb explained  simply .

 

“Would have never thought of that. It’s… it’s brilliant.” Jim said as his grin grew bigger. He watched as the man screamed in pain.

 

“Jim… tell me these items you have been giving me to use for jobs… it’s random, right?  Just … a whim of yours or something?”

 

“Yes… yes of course.” Jim said, waving his hand at Sebastian, watching the next part with lips parted in awe. “I have to admit, I never saw this bit coming.”

 

“You are so fucked up Jim….” Seb said as he sat back to finish eating. He knew what was coming. And he had to admit, procuring this last item took longer than the whole job. But he had managed to make it happen.

 

“And a Baby Grand… you are such a soppy git.” Jim said, leaning back and against his husband. “Did you steal it or buy it?”

 

“Well…  technically , because I made such a large donation to the LSO… I kind of bought it. More than enough to replace it. And it was going out for repair. Not one of the good ones though. Wasn’t going to waste a Steinway on this… gutter trash.”

 

“Good call. Good call.” Jim said, transfixed by Sebastian on the  monitor again.

 

Seb licked the crumbs off of his lips and managed to snake an arm around Jim’s waist. His fingers dance up Jim’s side and under his tee shirt.

 

“Getting it out of the LSO was not the problem. Nor was getting it to the warehouse. The problem was getting it strapped up and getting the sandbags  just equal. So that it would  just … fall when I wanted it too. Not when it did.” Seb shrugged. “So…  I might have stolen a page from that Chinese Circus. But if it’s not broken… then why fix it?”

 

“ _ That’s _ where the idea came from?” Jim asked and began to giggle. “That’s… brilliant!”

 

Seb nodded and watched as he talked with the client and then shot the sandbags… three times each. He stood back and counted, looking at his nails. The audio for the camera Seb had brought was rubbish, but Seb knew he was humming to himself.

 

Seb pulled Jim into his arms more, resting his chin on his shoulder as he watched the bags lower and he began to hum.

 

“Beethoven?  Really Sebastian… I thought you had more taste than that.” Jim drawled. Seb rolled his eyes, continuing to provide the soundtrack to the video.

 

Two minutes of watching before it dropped. Seb found it rather eerie to watch, without the sound. It had been so loud and so voluminous in person. His ears had rung for some time after.

 

“Well… that’s that.” Seb said, shifting to get up from the sofa and head about his day. Jim caught his wrist as he began to stand.

 

“Seb…”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Have I told you that you are… fantastic lately?”

 

Seb shook his head. “Let’s see. Idiot. Moron. Broody. Stupid. More brains than brawn…. Nope. Nothing about fantastic there.”

 

“Seb… I’m serious. You… you  really are rather clever. And you are smart.” Jim said as he rose up onto his knees on the sofa. Seb stared down at his husband.

 

“What do you want Jim?” he asked, his eyes narrowing.

 

“You…” was the simple breathless answer that managed to get Jim kissed. He  was thrown over Sebastian's shoulder and carried off to the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gotten a few suggestions already. And here is the second chapter. Will have to see what I can do with the suggestions. And would love more if you are so inclined!


	3. Chapter 3- Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next of the list for Sebastian...

Chapter 3- Autumn

 

Seb loved this time of year. The crunch of the leaves under foot. The way the air smelled of smoke and something spicy. The cooler air and crisp mornings, the frost that settles on everything. It was a lovely change from the oppressive heat of the summer. Yet not quite cold enough to be the deep freeze of winter. The sky isn’t the awful grey of winter yet and the stars are still holding onto the last of summer themselves.

 

The sniper turned the collar of his fleece jacket up against the faint chill that was falling . He walked onto the front door of the building where he lived with Jim. He smiled as he thought of Jim, waiting for him after a busy day of work. It was the best feeling in the world. To know that Jim was warm and safe and waiting.

 

But of course, in true Jim fashion, nothing was like that when Seb turned his key in lock and walked into the flat. Seb’s reflexes were always good, but since he met Jim, they had been almost  perfectly in tune with Jim’s moods. And he heard the crystal vase wooshing through the air before he saw it. Managing to duck to the left at the perfect moment. He felt the shattering of the glass on the wall behind him as he took off his jacket.

 

“You are fucking worthless!” Jim screamed. Seb shook his head. He wasn’t sure if it  was directed at him or someone else. It didn’t matter. When Jim was like this, the best thing to do was sit back and let it run it’s course. “Did you hear me Sebastian!” Jim taunted.

 

“What makes me worthless this time?” Seb asked  carefully as he kicked off his shoes and hung up his jacket.

 

“You know…” Jim hissed.

 

SEb rolled his eyes and sighed as he headed to the kitchen to make tea. He wasn’t happy. He had  just want to come home, be with Jim, watch something on the tellie,  maybe snog a little and then go to bed. But instead he came home to a manic little leprechaun. One who was  throwing things at his head and telling him he screwed something up but not telling him what.

 

“Jim… I’m  really not in the mood to play games.” Seb said  quietly .

 

“Neither am I. I don’t know why I keep you around. You can’t… you can’t even do what I pay you to do right!” Jim ranted at him. Okay. Seb knew not to take some of what Jim said  personally , but that was a low blow.

 

“I rather thought you kept me around because in your twisted way, you love me. I mean… you married me…”

 

Jim rolled his eyes. “Always with the sentiment, Sebastian.”

 

Seb had enough. He wheeled around on his feet and stalked across the room to where the shorter man was standing.

 

“I’m sentimental when my husband tells me he doesn’t know why he keeps me around.” He let out a deep breath. “I’m going out.”

 

Five minutes later, Sebastian was back on the pavement, walking away from the flat he had longed to be back at.

 

Sebastian looked at his phone. It had gone off again. Twelve texts and four voice mails. Seb hadn’t looked at a single one. He didn’t want to know what Jim was yelling at him about. He was furious. His husband… said things that cut him to the bone.

 

The bar that he was currently sitting in, drinking club soda, was nothing fancy.  Just a dark, sticky mess of a place where Seb didn’t need to talk to anyone. Or even do much more then bend his arm and watch the match. So when the rather lovely young man sat down next to him, he was a little taken aback.

 

“Buy a guy a drink?” he asked, his voice all lisps and young seduction. Seb rolled his eyes and held up his left hand.

 

“Married. Not looking for anything. Including someone to sit next to me and ask me to buy them drinks. Now run along dearie before I show you what can get me happy.” Seb said, his voice like liquid gravel and threats. The young man  just turned on Seb and leaned in closer.

 

“Oh… and what is it that makes you happy?” he said as he slid one hand up Seb’s thigh and the other around to his ass.

 

“Take. Your. Hands. Off.” Seb growled out. The young man  suddenly seemed to snap. Understand that SEbastian wasn’t someone he could get a few drinks and a good fuck out of. He was a genuine threat.

 

He turned on his feet and tried not to run off. He found another mark on the other side of the pub and started to chat him up. Seb shook his head and reached into his pocket for his wallet. It was gone. He put a crumpled bill from his pocket on the bar for his tab and walked over to the young man.

 

“I rather think you have something of mine. And I would like it back.”

 

“I have no idea what you are talking about.” he said, batting his eyes. “But if you can excuse us…”

 

Seb grabbed the twink by the back of his neck and  nearly threw him out of the pub into the alley.

 

An hour later, Seb walked into his flat, tired, bloody and in no mood to deal with his husband’s mood swings. He took off his jacket and shoes. He could hear Jim walking towards him, his gait shuffling. Like he always did when he was trying to show Seb that he wasn’t a monster. But a normal person who screwed up. “Don’t.”

 

“Don’t what?” Jim asked.

 

“Don’t start a damn thing. I’m not in the mood. I’m going to take a shower and go to bed.” Seb said. Jim’s eyes grew as Seb turned towards him, his shirt splattered in blood. “Very little of it is mine. Nothing more than a few bruises and a split lip.” he said as he headed down the hall to their room. Jim walked behind him and smiled, his hands in his pockets.

 

“Seebbb… what did you do?” Jim asked in a rather lyrical way. Seb shook his head.

 

“Bar fight that went bad.” he said  softly as he began to strip out of his clothes. His side was already turning a lovely spotted purple and I sigh. “Fucker got in a few good kicks until I took him down.”

 

“Oh? Tell me…” Jim said  breathlessly as he followed him into the bathroom. He hopped up on the counter and smiled.

 

Seb shook his head and stepped under the shower spray. He was hoping to wash off the blood of the little shit who had the balls to steal his wallet.

 

“Can you tell me why I had a spoon, a bottle cap and a handful of packing peanuts in my jacket pocket?”

 

Jim smirked. “ Maybe … I was going to tell you about it later.”

 

“Later?”

 

“Yes… it was for a job. But I need to know what you did.” Jim said, kicking his bare feet against the cabinet under the counter.

 

“There was this… shitty little twink. Tried to come onto me in the bar. Stole my fucking wallet.” Seb offered, grabbing the body wash and beginning to clean off the blood. “I took him out back. Figured I few good punches and a few threats. And the kid would hand over my wallet and leave.”

 

Jim giggled. “I know that didn’t happen.”

 

“No… it didn’t. The little shit kicked me a few times. Tried to bite me. I hit him and he kept at me. I reached in my pocket and… a bottle cap. But it was sharp enough to slice him good. A little too close for comfort. But still… got him off of me long enough. I reached into the other pocket, looking for my knife… and well… a spoon. A Fucking spoon.”

 

“Yes… I replaced your knife with a spoon. How did you use it?” Jim asked, his body leaning forward as he listened.

 

“So, I used it as it  was intended . First I hit him with it. Hard. Broke his cheek bone and nose. Pretty  badly at that. And then… he lunged at me again. So I grabbed him, ripped down his pants and shoved the spoon up his ass.”

 

Jim let out a laugh. “That will smart for a while.”

 

“No… not  really . Because the fucker is dead. I was trying to keep his from screaming. So I shoved the packing peanuts in his mouth and clamped it shut. Make shift gag. And in a panic… the idiot inhaled one. Choked to death.” Seb said shaking his head. Jim blinked and hopped off the counter as Seb stepped out of the shower.

 

“Well not quite the target I had in mind… but it works.” he said, leaning up on his toes, planting a kiss on Seb’s cheek. “Come on Seb… Time for bed. And for me to show you how much I do love you.” Jim’s voice stopped, low and soft. “I do love you Sebastian. And I keep you around because of that.”


	4. Chapter 4- Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it all got started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So this is the last chapter written. I am working on other chapters, but a) the muse must be on a holiday b) my life has been crazy c) I'm trying to write more Bond, but it's really new for me to write.  
> But keep the prompts coming! I'm loving them.

Chapter 4- Winter

 

Sebastian raised his champagne to his lips and took a long drink. He hadn’t seen his husband in almost an hour and while this was Jim’s house and this was Jim’s family.  Christmas Eve parties with the Moriarty / Brook clan usually ended up with, a) Someone drunk in the garden professing their love for whiskey .  b) Someone else in the closet with a distant relative, remembering nothing of their marriage vows . c) no less than four people  being stitched together in the butler’s pantry. d) And at least seventeen rounds of ammunition  being fired in the front of the house. And Sebastian worried more when he didn’t have eyes on Jim himself.

 

One hour, five handshakes, twelve hugs and one very handsy cousin later, Sebastian finally heard Jim’s voice . But he wasn’t alone. Seb stood outside the study for a moment, and rubbed his face. Jim and his nephew  Reilly were arguing. That was never a good sign. The third voice… shit. Jim’s cousin and surrogate sister Maggie. The purple haired demon who taught Jim everything she knew. She was the only person Jim loved with true abandon. Right. This had to be bad.

 

Seb looked up as he heard footsteps approaching down the hall. A clean click of polished shoes on the parquet floor. In front of him, stood the blond haired, blue eyed man that Sebastian had come to know and love.  Technically ,  the man was Sebastian’s nephew in law by marriage.  James Bond stood  just a bit taller than Jim, and a head shorter than the sniper.

 

“James… good to see you. Even if you reek of the sea.” Seb said with a smile that reached up to his eyes.

 

“Sebastian… ever the loyal lap dog. But I do rather think it’s something the army drilled into you.” he said with an equal smile. The two men hugged  warmly before Seb stepped back. “Looking for your husband?”

 

“As are you, I’m sure.”

 

Seb nodded. “Yeah. He disappeared a while back. They are in there. With Maggie.” James’ groan was deep and worrisome. He patted the space under his tailored tux, making sure his pistol was there. Seb nodded in agreement and mirrored his movement.

 

“This… this can’t be good.” James muttered. “But the longer we let them stay in there without fetching them both… the worse things will be later for us to deal with.”

 

“I agree.” Seb said, standing up straighter, his full six foot four inch frame dwarfing the double o agent. He grabbed the doorknob and without knocking entered the room.

 

Jim’s gaze didn’t shift from the large white board sitting in the middle of the wall. It  was covered in writing and Seb gave it a quick look.

 

“Hello Tiger.” Jim said, his voice bored. “Seems like you found me.”

 

“I did.” Seb said. He came over to where Jim was sitting on top of the large wooden table. It was usually stacked high with books and gave his husband a kiss on the cheek. This was one of the few places in the world that Jim and Seb could be themselves. He looked over at Maggie her long purple hair pulled into a complicated half up half down do. She looked lovely and Seb smiled at her. “Mag Mag…” he said before wrapping his arms around her and drawing her into a deep kiss. Jim laughed a little and Maggie drew back. She smacked Sebastian hard across the face, but a smirk  firmly on her face.

 

“Colonel Shithead.” she said back to him before turning her attention back to the board.  Reilly and James finally came up for air.  Just long enough for Seb to ruffle the messy curls atop the quartermaster’s head.

 

“So… what’s all this?” Seb asked as he pulled Jim against his side.

 

“Nothing to concern yourself with.” Jim said. He tilted his head. “I still say that Sebastian should get extra credit for this last one. I mean… not only did he use a cactus, but he used a Christmas Cactus!”

 

“That’s not extra credit worthy.” Q said, his curls bouncing with a shake of his head.

 

Seb and James looked at each other and Seb’s eyes widened as he watched the board once more. Shit. This was exactly what he had been thinking all along. Cactus, birdseed and Christmas lights were the newest entries on the list and Seb knew. He knew exactly what hit this was.

 

“Jim… you swore to me this hadn’t been a game.”

 

“Weeellll….” Jim said with a smirk. “It wasn’t a game.”

 

“It was a bet.”  Reilly offered. James looked up at the board himself and sighed.

 

“Are you two off your fucking rocker?” he asked, siding with Seb on this one. He looked over the list. “ Really Seb? A spoon, packing peanuts and a bottle cap?”

 

“James… Do I want to know about the rubber duck, the banana and the buttons?” Seb asked, trying hard to hide his smirk. James shook his head.

 

“Well… I will admit the use of the playing cards was rather inventive.” Maggie admitted after a moment. “But, James’ use of the glitter was rather…. Um…”

 

“Sparkly!”  Reilly supplied. Maggie chuckled a little before licking her lips.

 

“Yes… of course Q. It was sparkly. But… I was thinking rather messy. Left a trail long enough to supposed twenty strippers walked in and out of the flat. But the bible beating was rather fun. And literal for a change.”

 

James looked at Sebastian, a little smug. “Yet, I still think Sebastian’s first kill… death by tampon was rather… ironic. Considering that target  was known to aborhe women and only could get hard for little girls.” she said with a sneer.

 

James looked over the list again as did Sebastian.

 

“James… Bible, curling iron and glitter. Rubber bands, air freshener and a glow stick. Lube, hair dye and a doll?  Really ? A doll?” Seb listed off. “Jesus Jim… you are rather sick.”

 

“Ah… no. The doll was my idea.” Maggie said. I  just wanted to see one of the two most macho men I know buying a doll and carrying it around for a few hours.”

 

Seb shook his head. Jim giggled and looked at his husband. “You’re upset with me.”

 

“I am… but I’m glad to know I wasn’t in this alone. So… who’s the winner then Maggie?” he asked his cousin in law.

 

“I’ll let you know after the fish course. It’s time for dinner.” she announced and walked out of the room, without another word.

 

Jim sat at the head of the table, his family and friends gathered around. He looked to his right, Sebastian’s seat and smiled at his husband. He leaned forward and grabbed his hand, holding it  tightly . “No matter what happens, I am proud of you. And I love you more then you’ll ever know.” he said before giving him a small kiss. Seb smiled back and sat back as Jim stood up and tapped his spoon against the crystal glass. “I would like to wish you all a happy christmas…” he started when the room fell into a deafening silence. “It’s always good to end the year with friends and family around oneself. Over the course of the last year, my darling nephew  Reilly and I have been spending time bonding with each other. Through our husbands. We’ve created a rather… unique list of items for them to use in their work. And despite their occasional lack of enthusiasm for the game…” Jim’s eyes cut to Seb at this word and Seb shook his head.

 

“I fucking knew it…” he said under his breath. He gave Jim a look that would reduce the consulting criminal to a blubbering pile of mush.  Jim swallowed hard and continued.

 

“They both lived up to and exceeded expectations. Maggie… would you be kind enough to tell us who won out little battle of wits?”

 

Maggie shook her head, picking up her wine and leaning back in her seat. “No winner.”

 

It was quiet for a moment before both Seb and James were out of their chairs, rage and fury flowing through them both.

 

“What the fuck…”

 

“How in the hell…”

 

Maggie put up her hand to silence them both and they did. “While you both were more than creative. And well… inventive with your uses of everyday items in your craft, I can’t see that one of you was a clear winner. So.. it’s a tie.”

 

“A tie…” James said, deflated as he sat down again.  Reilly looked a bit proud of his husband and smiled  beatifically at him. Sebastian stayed standing, not used to losing. And a tie to him felt like a loss.

 

“Only one thing to do then…” Jim said with a shrug, not looking at his husband but at his nephew instead. “Have a tie breaker.”  Reilly ’s face beamed with a smile as he nodded and James let out a resigned sigh.

 

Seb turned to Jim and knew by the look on his face he was deadly serious. He sat down in his chair and drained his wine glass.

 

“My life sucks…” he said as he began to imagine what Jim and  Reilly would think up for them next.

 

James Bond: Bible, Curling iron, glitter

 

James Bond: Lube, hair dye,  doll

 

Sebastian Moran:  Cactus, birdseed, Christmas lights

 

Sebastian Moran: Spoon, bottle cap, packing peanuts

 

James Bond:  Rubber band, air freshener, glow stick

**Author's Note:**

> If you have three things, I would be glad to add more!  
> You can message me here or  
> basherthetigeruk@tumblr.com


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